It should be clear by now that community is required to grow to health and maturity in the Christian life. Having said that, in all honesty, I must confess I find the whole notion of community somewhat unnatural.
My observations of the humans who inhabit my world indicate that rather than seeking out the fellowship of community, our natural bent is towards isolation and individualism. I would say most of the men I know would have trouble identifying one friend in their life let alone a small band of peers who know and support you. Women seem to be more relational and make friends easier, but again, the most common circumstance is for women to feel pretty isolated outside of their immediate family and work context.
Why this tilt towards isolation rather than community? One big reason is the sin problem. We all have one. Even after we have trusted Jesus, and our sins have been forgiven (and they have – past, present and future sins), we struggle with the battle between the habits of our “old nature” and the “new person” we are becoming in Christ Jesus.
Our instinct when we are hurt or wounded is to want to hide. When my mother died, I found myself depressed, moody and withdrawn. I didn’t want to be with people and when I was, I had nothing to say. This was not the result of sin or a battle with my old nature; it was simply my response to difficult circumstances. They say the two most common reactions to stress are “fight or flight.” Like most men, when under pressure, I head for the cave. I just want to be alone so I can lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself.
Now I’ve been told that when stressed, women run to community and men head for isolation. But I’m not sure that’s always the case. When my friend Margie lost her Dad a few years ago, she would sink out of sight for weeks at a time as she worked through the grieving process. In her case, her best friends were in her immediate family and her extended family. They were all wallowing through the deep waters of grief and loss themselves. She really didn’t have a community of believing friends to turn to, so she withdrew into isolation.
In fact, the more we need help from others, for some perverse reason, the more likely we are to avoid others or put on a false front to deceive others about our need. “Fake it ‘till you make it” becomes our only strategy for coping with our pain and our need. Men in particular, have a high need to have others think of them as competent. (Yes ladies, that is why they always refuse to stop the car and ask for directions!) If you are driving in the car, probably the worse this trait will produce is that you get lost and are late for dinner. Yet in other circumstances the outcome can be tragic.
Not too long ago, I got a letter from a guy who shared about his friend Stan. “Unknown to all of us, Stan was diagnosed bipolar seven years ago and has been struggling all along. He seemed to be a well-adjusted husband and father of three nice kids. Then he ran into a series of unfortunate circumstances (multiple job layoffs in the same year) due to no fault of his own, but he took it very hard. He never showed it externally however, and was typically very jovial and upbeat in public. None of his friends even knew there was a problem until we got the call that he had thrown himself out of his sixth floor office window.”
Take steps today to start to build your own community. It’s up to you to initiate. You can start with one other person. Meet every other week for coffee or breakfast. See where God takes you from there.